10. A Bar Story
My friends and I were at a bar and a cover band was playing. The lead singer was being obnoxious. He was hitting on all the women in the audience in a very lewd manner, and he was being far too pretentious for being in a cover band. it was making everyone uncomfortable and annoyed. At one point during the show he says
"I would like someone special to take the microphone and say a few words."
He then lowered the microphone stand so that the microphone was right where his crotch was. I don't know how he had originally planned this segment to pan out. But before he could say anything I yelled in a high-pitched voice
"I'M SO TINY!"
The singer was stunned. The audience laughed and cheered. Clearly flustered. He awkwardly raised the stand again and went into the next song. I don't think i'll ever have that good of a comeback again.
9. Small Price To Pay For Pepsi
I had just chugged a Pepsi and my sister was lying down on her bed. With a glint of evil in my eyes, I leaned over, getting ready to let out the largest belch that was stirring in me. She looks up at me and I get ready to release this horrid belch on her face. Instead of a belch, I threw up bile and Pepsi in her eye. She ran to the bathroom screaming,
"YOU THREW UP IN MY EYE. OH MY GOD IT BURNS!"
I was laughing so hard I ended up throwing up on myself. That was 10 years ago and we both can't tell the story without laughing about it.
8. Circle K Story
The night before I drank probably 8-10 beers with friends and totally forgot that the next day my Mom wanted to me to take her out to a Día de los Muerto festival happening downtown. (I live in the Phoenix Metro Area) So I drive us out there, my girlfriend is along as well, and we walk around for a bit. We have some really good pulled pork sandwiches and some jamba juice (Yes I know you'd expect Mexican food but that's what we ate.)
Once we'd seen everything we wanted to see, we decided it was time to head home. On the way back to my car though, my stomach started bother me... You know that feeling you get when it's like: "Well I know Diarrhea is coming... but I think I can make it..." It didn't feel that bad, so I figured I'd make it home (only a 15 minute drive).
Well, 5 minutes into the drive, I realized that wasn't the case. Apparently the mix of beer, pulled pork, and juice had become some sort of ultra-pressurized shit bomb that was ready to explode any moment. I started freaking out, trying to drive safely as possible while also locating a bathroom. But the part of town I was driving through didn't have much of anything, just closed down shops and nowhere to really stop and use the restroom.
Then I saw it, a circle K corner-store on the horizon! I parked as fast as possible, legs shaking, and ran inside, ready to release the nuclear bomb that inhabited my bowels. I asked the clerk,
"May I use your restroom?" To which he replied, "No, employees only." At this point my mouth just sort of dropped open, I literally could not hold it any longer, "Please! This is an emergency!" I pleaded, but he just stared at me, smug in the fact that I would not receive the key to my Lower Intestinal salvation.
Pissed off and nigh unable to walk, I ran back out to my car, ready to drive down the street and hopefully find another place to use the bathroom... But my mom had gotten out and was looking at a freaking Red Box. I had no time, I had to go, and there was nothing else I could do about.
So I did what any sensible person would do, I sprinted back around behind the store, dropped my pants, and started using that bathroom against the back wall at the place. It was the most embarrassing yet relief inducing moments I have ever experienced. And as I began to wipe my bottom with some random receipts I had left in my wallet, I looked up to notice a group of 8-10 day laborers that had been standing on the street corner watched me do the WHOLE THING. They were laughing hysterically, a few of them clapping and giving me thumbs up.
When I made it back to my car for a hasty get-away, my Mom had the gall to ask:
"Do you still need to go?"
7. Magic Shop
When I was younger my grandparents lived in Mexico and we went to visit them every year. Post 9/11, this was never a fun experience but one year made it very interesting.
About a month before the trip I was into magic like any preteen is, thinking it would get him the bitches and all that. So I went to a magic shop and found an amazing invention. A light-bulb that lit up when you held a penny or some form of metal to it. It was awesome, the only fault I could find with it was when you shook it a little it sounded like a piece was loose.
So I had the great idea of bringing the light-bulb with me when I went to visit my grandparents just to show them the young magician I was becoming. So I stuffed it into bunches and bunches of clothes and somehow made it through security. No one really searched our bag, guess six Caucasians didn't really register as a blip on the radar.
Nothing important happened during the trip, the fun part begins when we were heading home. In a rush I didn't really pack the light-bulb deep down in my bag, so it was super easy to see on the x-ray machines they put your stuff through.
So we're running late, and when we finally get to the security line they put our bags through barely looking twice at them until they reach my bag. The guy watching the screen tells us to step out of line and wait for someone to hand search our stuff. We're at this point, confused. We were more concerned about bringing fruit and vegetables onto the plane (The authorities were really hammering that down).
They dive straight into my bag and pull out a light-bulb. My toy light-bulb. Security flips the freak out understandably, and begins questioning my father right there. I try to help him out, by yelling out, "Wait, no! It's not a bomb! It's a MAGICAL LIGHT-BULB! It LIGHTS UP when you put metal near the base!"
Fear was etched upon the faces of everyone there. Fear on the security officer's for they thought this kid brought a bomb onto the plane. Fear on my family's for they thought this little thing was about to get them a free prostate exam and on mine cause I thought they were about to break my light-bulb!
Luckily, one of the security guards recognized my utter stupidity and looked at it really closely and decided to test it out. It lit up. So after another half hour of questioning and threats ("If you ever pull this shit again we could have you detained permanently") we managed to make our flight just barely.
6. When You Shouldn't Trust Other People
When I was younger, my mother was driving my brother and I down to North Carolina to visit some relatives. It was the middle of the summer and scalding hot outside, and of course the car was acting up and the AC wasn't working properly.
After a couple hours of driving through NC with only the windows to cool us off, steam or smoke or something start coming out from under the hood, so my mom pulls off the highway and parks in front of what looks like an abandoned motorcycle repair shop. She gets out of the car and starts trying to fix it, and this large bearded man comes out of the apparently not abandoned store and starts talking to her. My brother and I listen and figure out that this guy works at the repair store and can easily fix our car and will do so for free.
While he's doing so, he starts talking about the extremely liberal bumper stickers that my mother has on the car. He sees the "Obama 2008" sticker and starts talking about how if Obama won, he was "gonna move to Canada, not because he's black, I'm not racist, but because he's a Muslim." At this point my brother and I are getting weirded out by this guy, but my mom puts on a polite face and nods her head cause he's fixing our car for free. He then notices the "Bush-Orwell" sticker and thinks it is serious and that Bush really ran with someone named Orwell. After about 20 minutes of his bizarre conspiracy theories, he starts talking about how his wife was trying to open up a little ice cream place in the back of the repair shop.
NOW, at this point my brother and I have decided that this guy is obviously a crazed serial killer who is trying to lure us into the back of this shop so he can horribly murder us. Because who the freak has an ice cream shop in the back of an auto repair shop?! He asks my mom if she wants to buy some ice cream, and my brother and I are furiously shaking our heads "NOOOOOO!!! NO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOOOO!!" at her from inside the car, but her Southern politeness takes over and she says yes, since he fixed the car for free.
So we follow this guy back into the recesses of the repair shop... past all the rusty tools and hanging hooks...
The ice cream was actually really good.
5. Key to advice is always reckless
My parents are snowbirds -- winters in FL, summers in NJ. My mom typically flies back and forth, but my dad drives with their 2 dogs (a lab and a boxer, my dad refuses to pay full ticket price for them to fly). My mom is constantly yelling at my dad about keeping the dogs on their leashes when he walks them, especially when he's travelling and they are in an unfamiliar place (they get way too excited and will tear off running to investigate). He always yesses her to death, then does whatever the freak he wants anyways (he's a man, so why she expected anything other than that I have no idea).
While he was prepping for a recent trip from FL to NJ, she reminded him not to take the dogs off the leashes when he's walking them at rest stops or whatever, because the lab had been especially bad lately with running off and not responding when we called her to come back (she's a bit wild, but very sweet). He starts getting mad at her, saying "why do you always tell me this like i'm stupid, like I don't know how to take care of my dogs!??!?" He eventually leaves after they stop arguing, and we think all is fine.
Get a call later that night with an update as to how his drive was going. Here's what happened, because of course my dad knows better than my mom and didn't listen:
-- dad stops to walk dogs at rest stop. dad ignores the fact that it had been raining and the grass was puddle and muddy and lets dogs out of car with no leashes (probably while saying something dumb like "oh i know my girls will listen to daddy and be good and not go in the mud!" like he always does)
-- stupid dad turns his back to light a smoke and sip his coffee. Dad turns back around and see boxer behind him, sniffing the grass and moseying along. Does not see lab anywhere.
-- dad strolls around for a minute, calling the lab. no response. starts to get worried -- she's a gorgeous example of a yellow lab, and he was worried someone might take her
-- dad turns a corner to see lab on her back in a HUGE mud puddle, wiggling around and wagging her tail furiously. Lab is covered in mud.
-- dad then tries to extract lab from puddle. lab refuses and runs away, thinking he is playing with her. dad falls in the mud. lab jumps on dad. boxer jumps on lab because she thinks the lab is hurting my dad. now everyone is covered in mud.
-- with both dogs collars finally in hand, dad drags them to car and realizes he has to get to a hotel to clean them up ASAP. Then realizes he is going to cover the interior of his nice car with mud (my dad loves Mercedes, only car he will ever drive he says). No choice, dogs and dad go in car and dogs immediately flop all over the back seat.
-- dad gets to hotel. they are skeptical to check him in because he's covered in mud. he explains, clerk laughs, gives him a key. you'd think this was the end, huh? nope.
-- dad finally gets in the room, decides to bathe the lab first. too bad the lab hates baths and sat in the tub howling the whole time.
-- the boxer now thinks my dad is hurting the lab (she's very protective of her "sister") and runs into the bathroom and bites my dad on the ass. hard (no blood though, she knew not to go that far).
-- dad is now yelling at both dogs, both dogs are barking and running around the room (the lab escaped the tub when the boxer bit him). now dad is running around the room (with his 2 fake hips) trying to get one of them into the bathroom and shut the door so he can clean up (now the room is covered in mud, too, mind you).
-- dad gets lab in bathroom, shuts door. lab starts howling again because of the awful bath, dad is trying to calm her. Now boxer is howling in the bedroom because she thinks my dad abandoned her (she has a bit of separation anxiety).
-- phone rings. hotel management. Is everything okay? A few of your neighbors have complained about a lot of noise.
-- dad apologizes and manages not to get kicked out of hotel, but ends up having to pay for damages to the room (mud EVERYWHERE, i think a lamp got broken during the whole "everybody freak out and run around the room" bit).
My mom laughed so hard she couldn't breathe and had a panic attack. Then started laughing again when she realized what the holy water she just heard. I have never stopped giving him shit for this, but he did admit that mom was right and from now on he would listen to her about the dogs only. He says he's right about everything else.
4. A Horror Show
7th grade, got invited to a party where everyone was drinking, this happened to be my first time drinking so I only sipped my beer. Two of my neighbors (we'll call them Jill and Jane) are smashed. 7th grade, falling down, slurring wasted.
Everyone is leaving the basement to go outside when Jill and Jane say, "hey igottafindbubba, want to see our special dance?" Being somewhat attracted to both of them, I nodded and sat down.
Cue the horror show.
They both start drunkenly dancing around each other, and every time they did a particular interesting move, there was a weird farting sound I'd never heard before. This continued for about a minute, and then they initiated the finale: a running-jumping-into-each-others-arms hug, accompanied by a weird, squishy fart noise.
I sat in stunned silence watching, unable to comprehend what I was seeing. They both looked at me smiling goofily, until I managed to ask them how they were making those fart noises. They excitedly explained to me that they could fart out the front as well as the back.
Only until a year later did I realize what I had seen.
3. Drinking doesn't get you anywhere
We were walking home after an all night bender and we had pushes down some late night kebabs. My girlfriend and I had separate flats at the time, and since her place was closer than mine we decided to go to hers. On our way home, this loud annoying drunk guy came up to us to ramble, and kept following us in the same direction we were headed. We were polite and went with it, humoring him. He was hanging over us with his arm, like we were almost dragging him along. He was unpleasant and nonsensical. Naturally, the situation started to get tiresome rather quickly. At this point we were outside our apartment building, so I thought I should get rid of this guy before he asks himself in for a nachspiel.
He wasn't pleased when I asked him to go on down the street while we went inside without him. We started arguing at the top of the stairs of the building. He said he lived on the fifth floor and should come in with us. "Yeah right" I said, "this building only has four floors!". Things were said, and he jumped me. I am a normal sized no trouble kind of guy and had never been in a fight before in my life. This guy took me by the throat and lifted me up against the wall. Seeing my girl's expression of horror on her face, I flipped and managed somehow to wiggle out of his grip and knock him down. While he was scrambling on the ground, I quickly pushed him out the door and down the stairs. I promptly locked the door and heard him scream "I'm coming in!" from outside of the door while his keys entered the lock. I instantly realised what I had done, so we jetted up to our apartment and locked ourselves in. More importantly, locked him out. I heard him run furiously up the stairs, but he never found us. My first and only fight.
2. Feeling dizzy when nothing's wrong
This past spring he was visiting Macalester College for an admitted students day. Our other friend was visiting too, so they decided to sit in on a psychology class together. The class they chose was about diseases/disorders, which he thought would be a discussion of things like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Turned out to be a two hour lesson about bulimia. About an hour through the class, my friend started getting dizzy, feeling sick, and seeing spots because of the lecture.
So, he stumbled into the hall looking for the bathroom. He found himself in a student center, with about 30 or so kids studying and hanging out. He promptly passed out. When he came to, everyone was huddled over him trying to help. Some people thought he was diabetic, and tried to offer him candy. He got up, mumbled something, and stumbled away towards a bathroom again.
He finally made it to the bathroom and ran into a stall. Instead of getting sick or collecting himself and leaving, he passed out AGAIN. He fell down in the stall and slipped between the partition before waking up. When he came to (again) he was looking up at a professor, who happened to be taking a poop in the stall. My friend mumbled/screamed something, went back into his stall, and hid until the professor left.
1. Lesssons from a Teacher
When I was a kid, my sisters and I took piano lessons from this weird woman named Diana. We'd go to her weird house where she lives with her 5 weird kids, and the four of us would have lessons one after the other.
I used to get pretty bored during my sisters' lessons, but fortunately for me, there was Midnight.
Midnight was a majestic black gerbil. He belonged to Diana's youngest daughter and lived in glass-walled cage in her room. I would sit on the floor and just stare into that tank. I loved that gerbil, and at that tender age of four, all I wanted was for an animal to love me back (I had gotten off on the wrong foot with the family cat after an unfortunate incident in which I tried to carry him like a lioness carries her cub).
After weeks of just pressing my face to the glass and attempting to mind-meld with a rodent, Diana's daughter apparently decided I was responsible enough to hold this precious creature. "Let me grab him for you," she said.
"Really?" I whispered. My eldest sister was supervising me, and she describes my expression as reverent.
So Diana's daughter scooped up her gerbil and told me to cup my hands in front of me. I complied. Then, ever so gently, she deposited Midnight into my trembling palms.
"Hi, Midni--" is as far as I got before this demon spawn leaped from the altar of my hands, soared through the air, and chomped onto the end of my freckled nose with his monstrous fangs.
I screamed out of pain and shattered dreams. Diana's daughter screamed too, since she too was being further disillusioned with every second her gerbil remained clamped to my nose. He hung from my face like some sort of hellish piercing. He was probably growling, but I can't be sure.
Fortunately, my older sister kept her head. She tried to tug Midnight from my nose. Didn't work. She had to pinch the hinge of his jaw to make his fangs creak open enough to dislodge them from my face. She then carried me, screaming and bleeding downstairs.
My mother, shocked to see her youngest daughter in such a state, gasped, "What happened?"
My sister replied, "The gerbil jumped off and bit her nose."
My mom laughed for hours.
One aggressively disinfected wound later, I decided to get another animal to love me. I still have a crescent-shaped scar right on the tip of my nose to remind me of this succinct lesson
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