We all want to be happy. But we can wait for someone to come, take us by the hand and lead us to a place where everything is good and happy. Or we can learn to do it ourselves. What is self-sufficiency and how do you find it?

We live in society and are in constant contact with other people. And we often expect them to make us happier, funnier and smarter, and our lives better. But no relationship, alas, can last forever. And as soon as those people disappear from our life, it collapses like a house of cards. And then there's a feeling of being lost and not being needed.

The only person who was with you from the beginning and will remain with you to the end is yourself. And only you can make yourself truly happy, assures psychologist and author Mark Manson, who wrote the book "The Fine Art of Ignorance. If you understand this, you can develop self-sufficiency, that is to become a self-contained system that does not depend on external circumstances, the mood and condition of other people.

What is self-sufficiency

It is an inner source of light, joy and happiness. No one can not extinguish it, because he ignited it in himself man. It is a quality that helps to overcome his own insecurities, to cope with fears, if they appear. Self-sufficient person sees and perceives himself as real, without illusions or complexes - he is well aware of his shortcomings, but do not camouflage them, do not try to pretend that they do not exist. He simply takes them into account in all his actions and is always ready to take responsibility for his condition and his actions.

We must meet our own emotional needs

This sounds like a perfect truism in recent years, but it is the plain truth. If a man cannot make himself happy, to cope with his loneliness and longing, he will never save anyone from loneliness. And he will never make anyone happy. The source of love is in us. So first we have to learn to love ourselves - we can't share with others what we don't have. It is possible to give the illusion of love, but it is a fake, a decoration, a counterfeit of true love.

A person who has found a way to become complete emotionally and mentally does not need to be "pumped up" with emotions from other people. He doesn't need drama, co-dependent or toxic relationships. If he communicates with another self-sufficient person, they are exchanging each of their fullness rather than filling each other's holes (which are notoriously bottomless). In this case, they can quietly trust each other, respect each other, and really appreciate each other. All these aspects will appear on their own, without effort on the part of two self-sufficient people.

How do you develop self-sufficiency?

Writer and psychologist Leo Babauta asserts that emotional stability (one of the signs of self-sufficiency and the ability to control yourself) can be developed. To do this, you need to focus and begin to live consciously. The specific steps are as follows.

1. Look less into gadgets and more into yourself.

Don't fill your head with looking at your social media feeds. This is gum for the brain, an endless stream of fragments of information, which does not really give you anything, but allows you to kill time very well. And not to pay attention to your own thoughts, which is exactly what you need to be attentive and focused on. It doesn't matter what you're doing - meditating or washing dishes, practicing yoga or walking the dog. Keep an eye on your thoughts, where they come from, what makes you anxious, and what makes you happy.

2. Talk to yourself

Suppose you've tracked down a state of anxiety. Grab hold of it like a thread - and start unraveling the tangle until you get to the bottom of it. What is really troubling you? How do you solve it? Remember, no one can entertain, comfort, encourage, or wipe away your tears (whether they are internal or external) but yourself. Just understand this.

3. Take responsibility.

We can only change ourselves. There is no point in trying to change or re-educate other people-it makes everyone worse off, creates unnecessary tension and unnecessary conflict. Don't like the situation or the relationship? Change yourself. Don't like the world you live in? Change yourself. Find the cause of your dissatisfaction in yourself and change yourself. And you'll see that everything around you changes, as if by magic. Answer for yourself honestly and completely - and deal with yourself, not others.