Time heals, but you do everything to prolong the process. It is much worse when in addition to self-injury, partner violence is involved.
Ignoring a relationship breakup can drive you crazy. The person doesn't understand if he or she has been dumped for good or if he or she has been wronged for something and it can be fixed?
Is it an emotional decision or a well thought out one? Is there a chance of getting it back or not? Is he not answering because he doesn't want to see me anymore or is he just busy?
All of these questions remain unanswered, the psyche trying with all its might to complete the action in some way to free the mind from the overload of all mental processes such as thinking and memory.
They literally burn from what is happening. Frustration arises, i.e. inability to get what one wants, and the situation worsens.
The person falls into the cycle of anger-apathy. On the emotions of anger he writes, calls, tries to meet his partner, gets in touch by any means, involves acquaintances.
Here, as they say, it is a matter of opinion. Then comes a period of overheating, apathy. The strength has run out. But not for a long time, because very soon the anger will return and the torture will resume.
In this situation it is impossible to advise anything in particular, you need to find a way to end the action and convince yourself that this relationship is over. The person is gone. He is not coming back.
Through awareness, you need to accept the fact that the people who need you would not use ignoring you, the most brutal method of emotional abuse.
Ignoring is done by people who don't care about you. And it has nothing to do with you, it's sick, hurt, wounded people. They have a hole in their soul, and it's probably a good thing that person is out of your life.
It is difficult to accept this fact quickly, it will take time, but the sooner you start, the sooner the event will be over and your psyche will start to get rid of the memories.
Stop second-guessing
Another interesting fact about the Zeigarnik effect. Man is prone to second-guessing. If the person told you "we're breaking up," and stopped answering the phone, it means that he broke up with you, and he does not want to continue to communicate. But our psyche strives for a whole result, an incomplete picture does not suit it.
It forces us to find out the reasons, to understand why, in order to complete the picture.
This whole game will not lead to anything good. You will not find out the truth, but forcing the person to justify herself will provoke aggression.
If there was an adequate reason, you would have heard it and without ignoring it, in a calm conversation discussed the process of breaking up. With support in the first couple, with dialogue, with keeping in touch for the period of adjustment. Or at least clearly justified 'why'.
I fell in love with someone else, I'm leaving you, it's decided, I'm sorry, take it for granted. Don't call, don't write. The event is over, it's painful and hard, but the psyche isn't fuming from the overload of trying to close the gestalt.
Breaking contact.
I'll say it again - only time can heal. But it is in our power to reduce it to a minimum, so as not to suffer for years over an ex or an ex.
Besides completing the event, that is accepting the fact of the final breakup without trying to find out the reasons, to think it over, to fix it, it is important to stop torturing yourself with images. There is no need to evoke memories, your memory is already working without days off and holidays.
No need to go to pages on social networks, no need to pass by the entrance and remember how you laughed here. Don't watch his car and the light in the window.
Try to temporarily avoid visiting cinemas, malls and parks that are associated with your ex. Give yourself a chance to bounce back a little from the blow.
What you should never do.
Now you know how our psyche works when we lose a significant object and how it works when we lose the significance of that object.
You are in situation number one and you need to move to situation number two. Above I described techniques that will help you get rid of your emotional addiction, now let's talk about what not to do.
Number one, don't try to get it back. It's impossible now, the decision was made in context, that is, based on what's happening to the person.
New love, tired of you, reluctant relationship, fear, emotional lift, projections on you. You are wasting your time. For at least 2 months all your attempts are pointless, and then you won't want to anymore.
The second is trying to replace you. Men after breaking up tend to immediately find a new girlfriend, girls often even get married within a couple of months after the breakup.
Third - idealization. Ex is so good, beautiful, strong, skilled. The best in the world, there is no one like him. I will never fall in love with a man like that again. It's all the Zeigarnik effect, already discussed above.
And finally, trying to hold back. Locking anger and resentment inside yourself is impossible, one day you will explode and it is not clear at what point it will happen.
Emotions don't go anywhere. Look for a way to get rid of it. In the moments when the condition stabilizes a little, walk, exercise, talk to someone. You might be enough for five minutes, but you have to try.
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