How to save a marriage in immigration?

Emigration ranks high on the stress scale, and not every relationship can handle it.

When people decide to emigrate, it is usually a considered decision by all family members. Before taking this responsible step, both husband and wife guess that difficulties cannot be avoided. In terms of stress level, immigration ranks high on the stress scale. Not every family boat can survive and not get wrecked by everyday life and the challenges of moving and adjusting.

The U.S. ranks No. 1 in the world among developed nations in the number of divorces per capita. And two-thirds of divorce initiators here are women.

Men are the first to give up.

Oksana Kim, a California psychologist, says the problem with families who do not withstand the complexities of immigration is different values. "If the goals and priorities are the same, then the family has a future. But if the husband goes to another country in order to make a career, and his wife just for the sake of the child, then the quarrels and misunderstandings are inevitable," says Oksana Kim. According to her observations, families break up more often in the initial stage of preparation for emigration. As a rule, women cannot accept future changes in the family because they do not want to leave their nest they have built. And after moving to a foreign country is more difficult for men to adapt. "Women learn the language faster, and, according to statistics I've been familiar with, are the first to find their place in a new society. And that, oddly enough, is also a problem," says the psychologist.

Before buying tickets from St. Petersburg to New York, Anastasia Ivanova fought with her husband for three months straight. Already at the preparatory stage, the woman realized that she and her husband had a different approach to emigration. "I was interested in work, housing, prospects, and he was interested in the weather and prices in the stores," says Anastasia. But despite this, the Ivanovs boarded the plane together. And after six months of living in New York, they decided to part ways.

Anastasia recalls: "For 5 months I cleaned offices, cooked meals for elderly people and even sometimes substituted for the nanny for my American neighbors. The hardest part was that there was no time left for my home at all.  After cleaning, cooking, and laundry, I went to bed at 2 a.m. and woke up at 7 a.m. to run to school. And my husband would lie on the couch and watch English-language movies, because that's how he saw adapting to his new life.

Anastasia says her husband began to rebuke her that it was her fault for splitting the family because she had disrupted the overall plan. "He told me to save money, and I thought I should just make more money, and again I would go and scrub the floors so I could go out and buy myself some lipstick or mascara after my paycheck," she recalls. - Week after week we drifted apart, until one day my partner told me a room became available in her house. That's how I got the chance to leave my husband." Anastasia and her husband were officially divorced two years ago; she now has her third boyfriend in that time. "When I started getting to know American men, I realized that I didn't want to mess with 'our' men anymore. For American men, a dinner cooked by a woman is a feat, but for ours, it's commonplace."

Near - not the one who loved

Psychologist Oksana Kim says such stories are not uncommon: 30% of families who come here get divorced. It is in the emigration they realize that next to him is not the man they loved and valued.

"Partners stop noticing each other's personality," says Oksana Kim. - They perceive him as a set of useful and necessary functions. They blow up into an unbelievable scandal what could have been solved in a few minutes. Besides, for the man turns out to be a terrible blow, if at home he was a role model and the main breadwinner in the family and in America, this role suddenly successfully tried on his woman. Our man strongly disagrees with this arrangement. And whoever said what, but our mentality plays a key role in the process of integration, because it is the first thing that does not coincide with our stereotypes, which we worked on in the homeland.

And her husband suddenly realized that he loved men

Olga L. divorced her husband after six years of marriage. The girl says that if such a situation existed in Ukraine, where she is from, she would not have divorced. Because her mother since childhood taught her to be patient, to help and support her husband in all situations, and here her mother was not around, but there were difficulties.

"I came to the United States to study," says Olga. - I was alone and was looking for a man close in spirit, who would understand me at a glance. That's exactly what I found Aran. He came from Armenia, he had emigrated a year before me. We became friends at once, Aran helped me to find my first job, 2 months later we started to live together, and 6 months later we got married. It seemed to me that we were perfect for each other.

Olga quickly made the decision to marry, and then it took a long time to decide on..


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