Loss of pregnancy is experienced by a woman on four levels - hormonal, mental, emotional, social, because her body is designed as a cradle of new life. Therefore, the loss of the fetus at any stage of pregnancy is perceived as a disaster.
The woman's closest environment - friends and relatives - can help her overcome her grief. However, their help can be effective only if they know the basics of psychological support for such cases.
How to help you through the loss of a pregnancy: tips for loved ones
If any of your relatives or acquaintances have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, you can support them by saying: "You are not alone. I'm very sorry this happened. How can I help?" Try to help the woman recognize her right to grieve - that's the first small step toward healing.
Grieving has its own path. It can consist of 5 stages of overcoming a psychologically traumatic situation:
1. denial. "No! It can't be!"
2. Anger. "I hate everything and everyone!"
3. Searching for reasons. "Why? Who is to blame? Why?"
4. apathy. Depression. "I don't want anything...I have no strength..."
Acceptance. "I can't change anything about the past. But I have the present and the future."
The development of the condition in each case is individual in duration and intensity. The person, depending on his or her individual features, can skip several stages or get stuck on any one of them, come back and move on again. The general task of recovery from a psychologically traumatic situation is to become aware of what has happened and to allow oneself to live with this new experience of grief.
Everyone experiences grief in his or her own way, at his or her own pace. It is especially difficult to experience grief alone, muting, displacing, and not acknowledging painful emotions.
Why is it important to acknowledge and live the emotion? This will allow you to let them go in the future.
Working with destructive thoughts and feelings
Destructive thoughts and feelings that arise in a woman after pregnancy loss can be directed at herself as well as those around her.
Guilt, feelings of inferiority, broken, devastated, miserable, and even dirty form in relation to oneself.
With respect to others, a complex of self-reduction develops, the false impression of condemnation on the part of others, absence of sympathy and understanding.
To overcome this condition, it is necessary to:
Communication with friends and acquaintances;
Expressing their emotions and feelings through painting, poetry, letters, and journaling;
formation of a support group of people you trust (these can be close friends, relatives, or professional psychologists).
It is very important not to ignore or hide these emotions from yourself, but just live them and let them go. Be patient, give yourself as much time as you need.
When you need the help of a psychologist
If your condition does not change and you feel that your emotions are going in a vicious circle, depression and indifference are increasing, keep in mind that this may be a sign of the formation of a psychological complication known as complicated grief syndrome.
Its signs are: anxiety, numbness, fear of children or fixation on another child, recollections of the same kind, and nightmares.
Like any complication, this syndrome requires immediate specialist intervention.
Acknowledging and experiencing the loss is an important component of healing. At the same time, disregard of the fact, the oppression of emotions impedes recovery and can cause behavioral deviations (behaviors that do not correspond to the conventional norms of behavior). A psychologist or psychotherapist can quickly help you to break the vicious circle and find a constructive way out of the situation.
Signs of behavioral deviation after pregnancy loss
Deviation usually begins as a defense against too strong emotions in the form of masking or denial of grief and loss. It may manifest daily or intermittently. Aggravations may be due to dates (anniversary of the loss, planned birth date, etc.).
Deviations can manifest as:
prolonged groundless anxiety;
self-abuse;
Eating disorders (starvation or constant overeating);
Denial of conjugal relations and communication with relatives;
Development of addictions (gambling, medication, alcohol, etc.)
Workaholism or any phobia;
Sexual dysfunction or violent relationships, etc.
All of these conditions are associated with complicated bereavement and require skilled assistance. Don't give up! Look for an opportunity to regain your resource!
What's important to know after pregnancy loss
To avoid the complications of pregnancy loss and to move on with the belief that all will be well, it is important to understand the following:
The possibility of healing is just as real as the fact of loss. In the experience itself is the potential for recovery.
There is no such thing as a predictable bereavement experience. Every person is unhappy in his or her own way. Only the presence of a way out and a constructive solution is predictable.
Even very close and empathetic relatives or friends are not always able and able to provide adequate support. You need to understand this and contact specialists in time.
You are entitled to the support of others, time and space to heal. Every path of coping is unique.
General recommendations of a psychologist
In any situation, you can not walk away from reality and do not let your emotions get out. If a person is living through a traumatic situation alone, it is necessary to recite it, recording thoughts in a diary, on a dictaphone. After writing it down, it is important to look over the statement several times, and when you decide that all of it has been stated, destroy what you have written.
You can write several symbolic letters and tell about the feelings and experiences that you are experiencing. Remember: this is not for publication anywhere. Once created, these letters must be destroyed (burned, torn into little scraps, etc.). The purpose of these activities is to let go of the pain and alleviate the suffering.
If there is a circle of people who help to survive the loss, it is necessary to talk through all the memories related to the circumstances of what happened (from the moment when you decided to have a baby or learned about pregnancy to the fact of the loss itself).
When forming a circle of support - loved ones who will live with you through this difficult period, it is necessary to exclude people who are dishonest, prone to gossip, distortion of information or manipulation.
If you have doubts about who you can trust, then the ideal solution is to go to a specialist.
The help of a psychologist who specializes in such conditions is necessary if:
the period is not overcome in 3-4 weeks;
there is no trusted person with whom you can talk through absolutely all phases of the situation;
there is a feeling that the experience has dragged on and there is no way out;
There is a feeling that you cannot cope with the problem by yourself;
there are signs of destructive behavior;
you feel the need for support and understanding.
Your main task is not just to get over the loss, but to fully restore resources for further life and new projects.
Recommendations for the close circle
The most important thing is that at any stage the person needs to feel support. It is necessary to find ways of communication that are acceptable to him. He must know that he can turn to you at any time of the day, and it is comfortable and allowed.
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