As I get older this illness gets worse I'm always in and out of the hospital. The pain is even worse than before. I used to love winter but now I regret it every year. Now my toes have JRA and now it hurts to walk. Every 6 months I'm having surgery just so I'm able to do anything. My best friend moved in with me to help me. We have been friends since the age of 5. She helps me do my hair when I can't. My mom wanted to put me in a nursing home but my surgeon stepped in and started to put me back together. He is such an amazing doctor. I've had days where I was ready to give up but then I remembered that I have kids and my family who needs me. They cheer me on every day. Sometimes the help from everyone doesn't help. They make me feel helpless at times like I can't do anything right. Yeah sometimes I do need help doing things and if I can't do it I'll ask for help. In the beginning I was on 30 to 40 medicine. Every Wednesday I had to get a shot. and it cause my hair to fall out and I wasn't able to eat anything. I always had peppermints with me. At this time my son was 3 he watched me go in and out of the hospital. Ambulance always showing up at my moms cause I was in so much pain that you couldn't touch me. I was ready to give up but the look in my son eyes showed me different. So I kept fighting every day. Now here comes the surgeries. My first surgery was a knee replacement and that truly made me feel like I wanted to die. I had to learn how to walk all over again. The pain was worth it cause I kept telling myself that after these surgeries I would be able to take my son to the park and play with him just like how I saw the other moms do with their children. I wanted to be that mom. Sometimes I used to cry watching my son play. He would come up to me asking me to play and when I would tell him that mommy couldn't it would break my heart.
Now I realized what the doctors where trying to tell me...now since I've gotten older I have more pain, its hard for me to sleep cause I can't get my body comfortable. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep just wishing that I wouldn't wake up. I've been strong for so many years and now its getting the best of me. I just wanted to be like everyone else...ride a bike...just writing hurts my fingers. They have doctors that can fix any body part but not fingers. That would be a dream if I got my fingers fixed. My fingers are so crippled that there are days my best friend has to write for me. I called her my extra pair of hands lol. She has been by my side and walked through the flames of hell next to me. My mom can't make it to my surgeries anymore cause she has health issues herself.
My depression was getting worse it sucked, started to feel like I was lost in a dark room. Now I'm having surgeries every 4 to 6 months. I used to tell people that when everyone around starts falling apart I'll be getting a body upgrade lol. I've had people asking me how could I joke about being sick? If I don't joke then I let the illness win... I have my good days and bad days also. I am on medicine to help me sleep.
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