The habit of "doing good": why people come up with unsolicited advice and why you shouldn't do it

The Land of Unsolicited Advice


1. There is no problem. Yes, strange as it may sound, what you think is a problem may be the norm for another person. For example, vegetarians are convinced that meat-eaters are harming their health, the environment, and violating a thousand ethical points. And meat-eaters don't worry about it at all - they're delicious, comfortable, and comfortable living the way they do.


2. There is no whole picture. The "helper" does not see the whole picture and draws conclusions only from the fragments he knows.


For example, it is possible to wonder for a long time that the friend does not have a car, and to describe the advantages of having his own transport, not knowing that the person suffers from epilepsy and cannot drive.


3. You don't need help. You'd be surprised, but your idea of what is better or worse may not match other people's views at all. You can't live alone, you can't do a bad job at a low-paying job, the capital is better than the provinces - all these may be part of your picture of the world, but they don't correlate in any way with the other person's values.


4. Different speed of decision making. "Now act, act, act!" - You may be like the great combinator Bender, ready to rush into action and move mountains in seconds after making a decision. But your loved one, perhaps, prefers to think everything through comprehensively, make a plan A and a plan B, think it over again and only then make a move.


If you constantly catch yourself thinking, "I know how to make their life better," stop and think about what underlying reasons make you offer unsolicited help, give unnecessary advice, and "hurt" those around you? Maybe the answer can be found in one of the following points.


Why people give unsolicited advice


1. The dream of being a superhero. Social relevance and respect are very important needs, so they are often sought to close them at all costs. For example, earning authority through helping others. Except that if this is not asked, it may turn out to be a disservice and a failure of the mission.


2. anxiety. This usually applies to very close people, especially children. If the separation of the offspring did not go smoothly and in time, the parents feel constant anxiety and responsibility for the great-aged children and therefore interfere in their lives.


3. Confusion of other people's needs with their own. Refers to people who have two points of view - their own and the wrong one. Hence the belief that everyone around them needs the same as they do.


4. Self-assertion. A feeling of not being appreciated often makes people raise their self-esteem at someone else's expense. Uninvited help and unnecessary advice goes along with it, because they, who are weak, infantile and frivolous, cannot cope with their lives without such a valuable helper.


5. Boundary Problems. Most often other people's boundaries are violated by those who do not know how to defend their own. The habit of breaking into someone else's life arises from a lack of understanding of where one's own "territory" ends and someone else's begins.


6. Self-satisfaction. Helping others really feels good: in return, you get a feeling that you're a good, kind and noble person. Even if no one needed your help.


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Hi, my name is Vladimir! I try to give more knowledge and experience with my articles, so that you don't repeat my mistakes. I hope you like my articles)

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