The Illuminati: The Secret Society That Runs the World

The Illuminati: The Secret Society That Runs the World


If the Illuminati is real, it’s got to be the least secret secret society in the universe. It’s so bad at keeping itself hidden that its existence is proclaimed all over the internet by people whose investigative toolkit consists entirely of Google and a lively imagination.

What is the Illuminati?

The Illuminati is a secret society founded in 1776 in Germany by Illuminati conspirator Adam Weishaupt. There are a few things about it that are not well known—and sometimes contradictory—but these appear to be mostly fabrications. Some are speculative, some are pure conspiracy theory, but all are suspect, and all are possible. There are hints of the Illuminati in Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (the character Bob Cratchit doesn’t exactly hide his affiliation), Alice Walker’s The Color Purple (a character is suspected to be an Illuminati agent), and even the end of The Truman Show (Jim Carrey doesn’t exactly reveal that he is a member of the Illuminati at the end of the movie).


How can you tell if someone is a member of the Illuminati?

You’ve probably already heard that the Illuminati is run by Masons, because the masons are infamous for their neat black ties, secret handshakes, and cigar smoking. The Freemasons are, indeed, a secret society—I knew that, because They’re definitely into all that stuff, but they’re not part of the Illuminati. The Illuminati is widely thought to be another secret society, one connected with secret handshakes and a glowing red light. Most Masonic lodges openly acknowledge that they are not part of the Illuminati. Even so, the Illuminati often seems to operate with an air of respectability. The Illuminati doesn’t wear hoods or hide its meetings in caves; it doesn’t present itself to the public and get caught (although that has happened before).


How can you join the Illuminati?

Anyone can join by paying the yearly membership fee, $25. This fee has been increased to $50. It’s a lot of money, of course, but it’s not nearly as much as paying for the books that Illuminati insiders swear will show you how to build your own atom bomb. For those already in the Illuminati, they will gladly accept your fee and accept you as a member, but they’ll want you to follow a couple of rules. First, you’re not allowed to name any of the most powerful Illuminati members. Second, you’re not allowed to mention the word “Illuminati” at all in a book. So instead of saying, “I have an article in the August 15, 2009 edition of Scientific American on the secret world of the Illuminati,” they’d be forced to write, “I have a book called Illuminati: Secret Societies That Run The World.


The Illuminati and Politics

First of all, did you know that every state except Liberia has a Supreme Court? It has to be an Illuminati-dominated court, because it’s just too terrible to be by the people. (Please don’t try to explain to me that these “state courts” aren’t courts at all. They are politically controlled tribunals.) Most people think the federal courts are the ones that make the law, but they are actually mere branches of the upper courts of the various states. The United States has twelve Supreme Court, ninety-nine lower federal courts, and over 5,000 lower courts, including appeals courts and district courts. That’s a lot of judges. But that’s not the end of it. It’s said that every judge gets to appoint a few hundred colleagues (called “honorary judges”) in his or her own region.


Who Are Members of the Illuminati?

One thing is clear: If the Illuminati is real, there are a lot of people who believe in it and do a great job of making it seem like a big secret. On the whole, though, the group is like a giant bar brawl where everybody knows everybody else and nobody likes each other very much. According to the most popular and reliable source on the subject, Freemasons are, in fact, a subset of the Illuminati, so they get to be some of the highlights: Benedict Arnold, a legendary traitor who defected the Continental Army to the British during the Revolutionary War. Famous crooner James Brown. Patti LaBelle, the soul queen from the first level of the “inner circle.” And Ronald Reagan, a handsome actor who was repeatedly elected President.



if the Illuminati is real, it is far more interesting than all of these theorists combined.


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