How does love addiction develop?
At the first stage, a person has an all-consuming feeling of endless happiness, wings "grow", each meeting with a beloved brings an additional portion of euphoria, an incredible emotional outburst that raises him to the "seventh heaven".
The second stage consists of two parts-the anticipation of meeting in a state of sweet euphoria and excitement; the irrepressible desire to prolong the date as long as possible. Usually people with love addiction can be on a date for 10-12 hours, until late at night or in the morning - there is no way they can part with their partner and let them rest.
At the third stage the addicted person begins to realize that reality does not coincide with the expected and desired image of the partner - it does not reach the ideal, speaks wrongly, wears wrong clothes, etc. As a result, annoying reproaches and empty nagging begins.Â
In the fourth stage there are futile attempts to change the partner. Here it is necessary to remember that the other person can change only if he or she has a sufficient degree of motivation and well-developed resistance. Against the backdrop of all these events, the addicted person becomes more nervous, because his entire life is focused exclusively on the object of attachment. A feeling of guilt arises because of his inadequacy - "I can't change my partner! This means I'm doing something wrong, and the reason is me!".Â
Fear of losing a loved one is coupled with desire (the real partner is not perfect after all, but there is a perfect and desirable partner out there somewhere). The origins of such behavior are connected with childhood - the age of 3-5 years old, when a child de-idealizes his or her parent (for example, mom/dad can't always buy everything I want or stop the rain). Thus, the person remained in the merger period, failed to separate from his or her parents at the right moment and, accordingly, continues to live the eternal idealization with each following partner. Sometimes unbridled anger may arise, and the person begins to take revenge on the partner for the fact that he or she is not ideal.Â
So, at this stage, de-idealization, disappointment, and devaluation occur. There may also be burning, gratuitous hatred, control, and a desperate attempt to change the partner, up to and including tyranny.
In fact, the addicted person feels very bad - a state of nervousness prevents him from getting a proper rest, he cannot sleep at all, is unable to think about anything else but his partner. All of his actions are connected with the fact that a very early attachment trauma related to the maternal object has been touched - there was not enough fusion and idealization of the mother, the child was not comforted when something upset or disappointed him, perhaps he never had time to be charmed (he was born and immediately had to become an adult; his parents or tutors rejected him, not letting him be small, make mistakes and fall down, speak wrong; he was expected more than he could do in his age, etc.). As a consequence, the person in adulthood behaves similarly with the objects of attachment, being greatly tormented by this behavior (neurosis, inner self-injury, complete deprivation from the world, obsessive Walker-type thoughts (obsessive-compulsive disorder), lack of interest in anything else, etc.). Sometimes the person lives in a cycle of obsessive thoughts and unfulfilled plans - what will happen when I see him; what he will say to me; what I will do. After
After a few days additional memories pop up in the mind, and the cycle "starts up" again - he told me so, and I had to answer like this. Such a state is so destructive for a person with love addiction that even the ICD-11 lists love addiction as a disease!
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