There can also be such a variant - partners look quite happy to others, from the outside they have a perfect relationship, but behind a closed door there is complete indifference to each other.
There is an unspoken rule in any relationship - it is hard and daily work on yourself. No one can read your mind, ideally get along with your partner just do not get - work on your relationship!
The first six months (a year, year and a half, sometimes two years) relationship in a couple may look ideal - during this period people are inclined to the process of merging, so they are ready to adjust to the needs and desires of each other, they do not pay attention to the difference in personality, interests, etc.
Relationships in a couple at the initial stage can be compared to a demo of what will be in a few years. Over time, as the "halo of ideality" dims, partners begin to notice differences in each other, and then problems arise.
The basic principles of an ideal relationship are:
1. Healthy adequate self-esteem, self-confidence, the ability to love and respect yourself and others.
2. Trust in yourself and your partner. Intimacy trust is the ability to be in intimacy with one's partner, while trusting him or her, and not being afraid of intimacy itself. If a person has had attachment trauma, there will usually be problems with intimacy trust (they will feel discomfort, fear of absorption and control, fear of absorbing their partner or generally hurting the relationship).
If trust is formed in the couple, partners will not be afraid of punishment from each other, reproaches and remarks - the loved one will understand me, he is not going to hurt me. On the background of sincere affection and open friendly relations the ability to be vulnerable is formed, without which there simply will not be honesty in the couple.
But here it is important to distinguish between the ability to be vulnerable and not to be hurt. In the words of your partner you should not hear an attempt to hurt you, to hurt more painfully, but an attempt to understand. You don't need to hear your own pain in your partner's demands.
Often enough at this point we get into our own traumas associated with the period of unconscious development (up to age 7) and the relationship with the maternal object (this can be mother, father, grandmother, grandfather or all at once).
Healthy attachment causes trust in partners, while not interfering with development (manifestation) and being an individual - everyone can set goals and not be afraid of betrayal and rejection by a loved one.
3. Willingness to change - it is important to change, but not to change yourself. What does this mean? Do not blindly obey your partner if he requires you to radically change their values and attitudes in life, because of this may be a strong conflict. For example, the partner does not see anything wrong in robbing a bank or dabble in drugs, forcing you to follow his example.
If a person goes against their own values for the sake of the relationship, it will eventually become not only a reason for alienating the partners from each other, but also have a devastating effect on the personality.
Change is worthwhile in everyday issues - for example, trivial quarrels about the unopened tube of toothpaste, dirty mug after drinking coffee, not making the bed, etc. It is easy to accept and understand these little things - these habits are formed in childhood, at the age of 10-12 years (the period when there is a love or, conversely, a negative attitude to cleaning). However, it is quite difficult (sometimes even impossible) to re-educate a person in such matters, he or she must have the desire and motivation to change.
How to put up with your partner's obnoxious habits? To begin with, ask yourself exactly why you quarreled. For you, is it a value or a trifle? If the situation in general for you is important (for example, remove the mug), you need to sort yourself out, understand what exactly is
its value and explain it to your partner. Is it cleanliness and comfort for you? Or maybe it's simply following the norms and rules that have guided your family (so it's customary for you to do this, too)? Or you do not feel comfortable if the room is not cleaned?
Try to divide the territory of the apartment on a personal (yours and your partner's) and common. So you will maintain order and cleanliness at yourself, and let your partner do whatever he/she wants. For the common area you can make a shift cleaning schedule.
In the context of the problem it is very important to voice the rules of the family system and allocate everyone's roles (who does what). At first it will be difficult to follow these guidelines, but the main thing is that the partners have a desire to keep a common household, in this case eventually they will learn to move in the same direction.
4. Willingness to work on yourself.
Relationships are a reflection of childhood traumas. If in childhood the mother figure was cold and repulsive, in adulthood a person will feel cold in every action of the partner. Moreover, he will out of habit respond in accordance with his feelings and, as a consequence, after a while his partner will really start to treat cold
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