Words I cannot say

Words I cannot say Mother, oh mother, a jewel of many

A hard earned penny

I want to love you like every other mother daughter relationship so much so much so that strangers on the sidewalk are jealous of us,

But there is so much unspoken years worth of distrust 

So I cannot push myself into another box for you

I want to comfort you and not feel it forced 

But then you voice out all your doubts and fear about me reinforced

You sprinkle little cutting insults in between reprimands

And all because I didn't meet your illogical demands

 Thinking I won't remember, after all for you it was only another december

But mother words still hurt 

     Your lack of love could bring a live hunger to persistent fumes 

The axe may not recall but the broken wood will

You treat me with such vile discontent when you hear a fact about me, something I've discovered about myself because you do not approve of it,

Never thinking whether I permit

But mother this is the age of finding myself

You cast aside my feelings like stinky old trash you want to burn instead of loving me amyway

Yet you always remind me that me without you is disarray

Mother, you say you love me yet you don’t want to accept who I'm becoming, discontent wide shown in your eyes My heart stings, still hurting but I am willing to always go for a compromise 

Why do you refuse to like who I am? Is it because you do not understand me?

How does one not understand what they love, because isn't unconditional acceptance love? 

The glimmering silk has been pulled off from from my eyes and I see clearly now and forevermore 

There is no reason for this foolish endeavour

The truth I had been blindedsided from now an open book

Mother why do you not love me? 

I am your child, I shouldn't feel as if I have to earn something I should have already had from the moment I was born

My lonely sorrow always seems to mourn, 

For i was wishful and wistful for what could have been

Your zebra ways contrasting tenors and your violet blue words lay permenent on my skin

Mother, oh mother why do you detest me so?

Your counter argued I don't love like you do me

 But how could I ever love someone who doesn't love me back, not as inconvincible as a plea?

To you, I always do something wrong, might as well be a tattered bookshelf

And you're perfection itself 

Yet how does perfection always find imperfection, even in the smallest things? 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life vying for things I can't have because you never learnt how to love

None other explanation fits like a perfect glove

You can't keep pouring out your dirt into my life 

And expecting me not to riddled with strife 

Don't you think your projected wounds cut like a knife?

My heart is so brittle you could break it with a little cold hard stare

You say sorry and try to plead your case but this baton pain is beyond repair 

Suddenly I'm back to giving you one more chance to mend your repetitive mistakes. 

Whenever I'm on the way to healing you always seem to be working on unlocking more ways to break me

Funny, isn't it? The one who's supposed to make me breaks me.

And this concludes this letter of words I cannot say.

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