A 23-year-old girl complained to forum users about the fickle nature of her ex-boyfriend. During the relationship, her partner was generous with gifts and payment of household expenses: he was ready to pay for cosmetic procedures, help with the purchase of things, or completely update her beloved's closet.
The guy repeatedly said that he liked to spend money on the person he loved. And he also stressed that he considered the situation in which people take away gifts after breaking up to be low. However, after a little argument, it was as if he was switched: the guy not only demanded the return of all the gifts, but also asked to reimburse the amounts he spent on the girl during the relationship.
Every penny was paid for every manicure, eyelash extensions, and every check in the restaurant. The amount, as you can understand, was not small - the young people had been in a relationship for several years. To the girl's claims, the guy replied simply: "I don't care. Look for the money wherever you want."
The opinion of forum users about this situation was divided. Some advised the girl to return all the gifts and money not to humiliate herself in front of her former partner. But there were also those who recommended not to give in to provocations of a young man and leave everything to herself.
Why did the partner change his mind so drastically? And how to handle the finances in the relationship? Reflects psychologist Julia Reshetnikova.
DISTURBED BALANCE
This scenario is possible if the relationship is out of balance "give and take. And here it is not only about the financial sphere. Everyone puts into the relationship what they can - attention, care, time. Money is only one of the items on this list.
In this case, the partner's reaction is a release of accumulated tension for a long time. Another option is that the couple could not have clear boundaries in the theme of finances - each understood the situation, based on their experience and desire, guessing "white spots" and making conclusions for the partner. Often this distortion occurs in a couple who has no practice discussing financial matters.
It can also be the case that money was the central and important core of the heroine's relationship, the partner's main way of showing his love and attention to her. Then he will solve conflicts and compensate for grievances in a way he understands - through finances.
WHAT DOES SUCH AN ACT SAY ABOUT THE PARTNER?
The quarrel has hurt something important in the partner, and through this behavior he expresses his feelings. They can range from resentment and frustration to aggression and a desire to punish.
On the other hand, money is often a way of manipulation in narcissistic partners. Such a person perceives his partner as an "extension" of himself, and if there is a conflict or a breakup, the recently beloved person becomes his enemy.
Narcissists care about power in a relationship, and money is the first way to manifest it. It may be that they intentionally create situations where the partner becomes financially dependent on them.
But this is far from always the case. To understand the situation, you first need to understand what the argument was about, followed by such an act of the young man.
HOW TO BEHAVE IN SUCH A SITUATION?
It depends on the desire and resources of the girl. If her partner spent money on her voluntarily, on his own initiative, and gave her gifts, she has the right not to give anything back. Another question is whether she wants to keep or return any of it. If she has a desire to get rid of the gifts associated with the relationship, why not?
IS IT OKAY TO ACCEPT MATERIAL HELP FROM A PARTNER?
It is important to understand that everyone can perceive the situation in their own way, based on their experiences and beliefs. Here is an example: a girl asks her boyfriend to pay for her purchase. From her side, her partner's payment for the things looks like a gift, and from his side, it looks like borrowing money. If this abstract couple had originally discussed who is willing to pay for what, there would be no such misunderstanding.
But if one partner wants to spend money on a loved one, the other has the right to accept it without taking responsibility for his decision.
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