Sometimes it seems that it is enough to hug each other, ask for forgiveness, and feelings will flare up again, and hard events will be forgotten like a bad dream. But it only seems like that. We are experiencing infidelity as a serious psychological trauma. An avalanche of feelings comes over us: resentment, fear, devastation, aggression, guilt.
"The day I learned about the treason of her husband, I could barely get to work, I was shaky legs," recalls 34-year-old Victoria. - I could not focus even on the usual tasks, I wanted to scream, then cry. I was overwhelmed with rage, I made plans for revenge mistress, imagined how to change myself in response. And in the next moment I thought that we had too much in common, and decided to fight for the family.
In most cases, the affected partner perceives the infidelity as a betrayal inexplicably committed by a loved one. "Permanent partner is important to us not only because we are attached to him, he is part of our support system on a par with other family and close friends," reflects psychotherapist Irina Solovyova.
- And when he commits an act that violates the idea of him and the quality of relationships with him, it strikes a blow to our stability, how confident we feel. We lose our balance. In an instant, the whole picture of the world changes.
TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME.
To regain our stability, it's a matter of isolating certain feelings from the storm of emotion that's knocking us down, and gradually dealing with them. One of the strongest feelings is resentment. "We've been favored over someone else. And it hits hard on basic narcissism - feeling good," Irina Solovyova continues. - "At the heart of resentment is repressed anger, and this is dangerous because repressed feelings lead to a breakdown of contact with oneself, health problems.
However, we are wary of expressing our anger to the perpetrator because it can lead to a complete breakdown, and we don't want to permanently destroy the bond we hold dear. "Divide your anger into parts, highlight what, in your opinion, it is really important to talk to your partner as soon as possible," recommends a therapist.
- And this part of the produce your partner, choosing the right time for this, when you can both listen to each other quietly. And the other live with yourself, share your feelings with your loved ones, go to counseling a psychologist.
Suffers and a sense of self-worth - there are insecurities and doubts about their own attractiveness
"The best thing we can do for ourselves is to be honest. Ask yourself: how did cheating affect your self-esteem? Try to find the weak link and understand what you are unsure of," suggests Irina Solovyova.
- For example, many women think "I'm too fat," "I am bored" - and men think that "women like only macho", "I do not earn enough and can not provide for my woman as she deserves. But the partner once chose you and wanted to build a relationship. And in spite of the cheating, stays with you. Ask him or her to talk about what he or she likes about you, what is valuable in your relationship.
Some make a plan of action that will help increase self-esteem regardless of the partner. "I have often been reproached for inattention, and I want to correct this, I found training videos on active listening, I am training," says 28-year-old Alexei. He is striving to hear his girlfriend better, and is also going to change jobs, moving into sales.
CURE FEARS
After an affair, the victim often has fears: "What will happen if the affair happens again? Why did the person you love choose another one(s)?" We compare ourselves to a competitor or rival, we study their profiles on social networks. But such comparisons are most often in vain.
If the third party is "better than us," we become desperate, and if "worse," we become perplexed, which prompts us to look for ulterior motives instead of devoting our energies to analyzing the couple's relationship.
Fear of cheating again can extend to other relationship systems, projecting into someone else's life, prompting interference. "My younger sister is getting married, and I warned her right away, to keep an eye on her husband: view his social media pages, set geolocation on her smartphone," says 29-year-old Maria. - I do not want her to suffer from the infidelity of the beloved, as it happened to me.
Sometimes we try to ease our pain by telling ourselves, "everyone cheats," but that only makes it harder to relate to others. "Imagine an imaginary boundary that separates a particular situation from the rest of your life, and try not to spread the fear of betrayal beyond it," recommends Irina Solovyova.
- This will help you calm down and not provoke a cheating partner: believing that all men cheat, you will trust your partner less, perhaps total control, and the distance between you will inevitably increase.
STOP RUNNING IN CIRCLES.
Under the influence of stress, feelings and thoughts can become intrusive (obsessive). And without wishing it, we begin to replay in his head the circumstances surrounding the betrayal, day after day. We see what is happening as if it were real, or we imagine what could have happened.
"I heard a fragment of a conversation my husband was having on the phone behind closed doors: 'Darling, congratulations on your first thunderstorm. Already at the next peal of thunder the image of his mistress rose before my eyes. Dialogues I finished myself and for a long time I could not get rid of this vision, "- says 28-year-old Elizabeth.
How to cope with "stuck" thoughts and feelings?
"Describe on paper the images disturbing you in detail and as long as necessary, until it gets easier. Such a monotonous, routine action allows you to remove the obsession and is often used in the work of psychotherapists," says Irina Solovyova. - You can cry your emotions, dance, express through movement, write it down in a diary, to do anything to relax and relieve stress.
And it is better to communicate with your partner in a calm, steady state. Report, if necessary, about what worries you, but in general terms, focusing on feelings, not imaginary images. Tell how the infidelity has hurt you. Listen to what your partner has to say in response.
Once you have listened and forgiven your cheating partner, try not to return to that conversation, no matter how hard it is.
"If you feel that there may be a situation where you again want to remind the cheater of the "old merits", warn him about this," recommends psychotherapist and sexologist Anna Koteneva, "just say: 'I want to find the strength to forgive. But there may be moments of weakness associated with some other experiences, and I will remind you of the betrayal." Such an arrangement will make the relationship more honest."
MAKE UP FOR DEFICIENCIES.
There will come a time when we feel that we do not react so strongly to the memory of infidelity. This means that it is time to think about why the triangle appeared and how to avoid it in the future. Sexual and emotional infidelity most often leads not so much to the desire for sex with a new partner, but to a psychological deficit, such as the inability to talk in a couple about their dissatisfaction.
You must be logged in to post a comment.