How do you talk to a teenager if he's playing silent games with you?
We continue to talk about the peculiarities of adolescence with parents whose children are both in and preparing for adolescence (ages 9-11) or are already coming out of puberty (ages 18-21).
Today let's talk about why a teenager gets withdrawn and starts playing silent games with his parents? How is it that communication with him begins to come down to short phrases?
The child spent the whole day in his room, refused to watch a movie together. By evening I could barely get him into the kitchen.
- How's school going?
- Fine.
That's all we can talk about...
Dinner passes in silence. The silence is interrupted only by the clatter of instruments. Asking how the child is doing is useless - at best the answer will fit into two or three words.
- Thank you for dinner.
And your #biggestlittlebaby hides in the room.
What happened to the talkative kid who wouldn't stop talking to his parents? How come his vocabulary has narrowed to the phrases "okay," "good," "bad," and "leave me alone"?
"Silent" teenager may well be sociable in conversation with friends. And it's okay - because his attention at this age shifts to communication with peers.
Some problems to share with friends is easier - after all, friends are not as much as parents, included in the life of a teenager. Peers are unlikely to be anxious, take everything to heart and teach life in the same way that moms and dads do.
During adolescence, parents lose their authority for the child and take a back seat - this is how the child becomes an adult. The teenager has secrets and experiences that he or she does not want to share. In this way, a fragile identity is protected, which is gradually built on the basis of the teenager's personal experience, a critical attitude to other people's views and opinions.
Ignorance is a common problem faced by every other parent of a teenager. At the moment when your child seems grown up and you want to lean on him or her for the basics, he or she starts to defiantly not listen, turn away, and show you that he or she has no stake in your life.
Have you ever wondered how long you have been trying in vain to get through to your own child? Scolding, trying to get at least one errand, whether it's trivial trash removal or a walk with the dog. You get upset when everything your son or daughter does is either out of spite or underhanded. Why do the threats you used to make in a fit of anger and helplessness no longer work? Hands dropping, voice breaks into a shout, and a simple request, which long ago could be a hundred times, turns into an order with all the accompanying "quickly", "now" and "because I said so.
How come that on the correct and logical "wash up for yourself dishes" daughter began to ignore you and silently ran out of the kitchen, and the "clean up, finally, in the room" son began to roll his eyes and see off a quiet "gotcha"?
The good news is that your teenager does not have a goal to get you mad in every possible way, although sometimes that's exactly what his behavior looks like. Your growing child is just as uncomfortable with these terms of communication as you are, but he can't realize it yet. He wants to share something, but he doesn't know how; he wants to confide in you, but he is panicked about not being understood. And most of all, your child wants to finally become an adult, but he or she has no idea how to do it.
It often happens that the teenager himself does not understand how to put into words the hurricane of mental turmoil. Changes in body proportions, an emotional storm, unstable self-esteem, falling in love - not always a teenager wants to discuss the new experiences that come over him in an avalanche. In addition, some topics may cause embarrassment or fear that a parent won't understand, will judge, will start giving instructions.
The second good news is that you are the one who can help him. To do this, it is important for you to learn to communicate with your teenager in the same language, without yelling, lecturing, nagging and unworkable ultimatums, from a Mentor position. Learn to understand what is going on in the child's soul. And here we need to find a balance - not to interrogate with passion, but also not to distance ourselves, not to ignore the teenager. Yes, it's important for him to have personal space and freedom of action. But it's also important to understand that parents are always around, to whom you can turn for help and support at any time, if necessary.
We will talk about how to maintain this balance, as well as other parenting issues at the free webinar for parents "In the same boat with a teenager.
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